hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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