Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
