Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Randomize
