I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
