Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
