How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
