I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
