Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
