I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
