i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
