FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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