As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you win again, gameday.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
