Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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