Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
