everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
