Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
