i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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