as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
