I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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