My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
