I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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