what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
