So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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