I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
