fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
