im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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