yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So many bounce houses so little time
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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