I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
