it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
