for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
