Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
