I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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