Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
