It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
