i was born a porn star she said
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
