Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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