Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
