Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
