I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
