I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
