cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
