for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
