wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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