I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Semen is not good for contacts.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
