you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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