I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
