end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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