i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
