Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
