Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
